Perth Girls Tweetup @WomenCan's!

@EliseBerenger came over for a cuppa. While she was with me we had some fun with my iMac computer.

We took a photo with the photo booth capacity.



And stuffed around with making a video...



Had we both not been on Twitter we would never have met, despite living only one suburb apart.

To quote Elise,in relation to Twitter, "To connect is just brilliant!"

Loneliness - Is it an epidemic?

I was recently featured in the local newspaper for Women Can International Inc to promote our free membership month. Here is the article that went to print.

What pursued has shocked and amazed me. I have received over 45 telephone calls from women in the community wanting to join the Association for a variety of reasons but for the majority it was because they are lonley and isolated, finding it difficult to make new friends.

One woman shared her story about how she had children now, but had grown up with a circle of friends that had been best friends for the past 20 years. Unfortunately, her girlfriends had started to use the drug ICE and she was concerned about the safety of her children and consequently, has had to leave those friendships. This story in particular broke my heart because I could feel the loss she was experiencing in losing her closest friends to such an evil drug.

There were others who had children under school age that had isolated them; those whose husbands were working away from home; those who had injuries that had takent hem out of their usual routines, causing them to be isolated and needy; and those who were experiencing a change in their life, be it moving to a new location or their children growing up and moving on. The common thread was that they felt lonley and wanted to reach out to other women and form partnerships.

My question is, what are we doing as a society that people should be in our suburbs suffering like this? It is an indictment upon us that we have not cared enough to reach out to our neighbours and their neighbours.

I recently moved to Kinross and this area is full of children, who don't seem to have the problem of meeting and making new friends quite as badly as adults do. Because of my children I have interacted with most of my neighbours and continue daily to meet new people in my area. Perhaps we could learn something from their naivety, as they do not assume that everyone they meet is going to rape, murder or steal from them. What has happened that we have communities so fraught with distrust?

I am hoping to make a positive difference through Women Can International Inc. I just want to challenge you to take 5 minutes out of your day to call a friend you haven't heard from in a while to make sure that they are not feeling lonely and isolated. It may be the best five minutes that you have ever spent. With so many contemplating suicide, your care may be the difference between life and death. Care costs little to give but is priceless for the receiver.

Is being separated an invitation for others to beat you up emotionally?

Why is it that when you separate from your partner others think it is an invitation to tell you how to live your life?

Not that I am complaining, as obviously if I'd done it all perfectly the first time I would not be separated. It's just that with four young children to care for on my own, life has suddenly become so busy fending off the critique of would-be-do-gooders who have an opinion on everything.

Take for example schooling. So we don't get to school by the sound of the bell everyday. Does that mean we are a bad family? There is a very good reason why we are late sometimes. It's called having four children and trying to herd them through a series of tasks that they would rather not be doing right then. It's not like they are watching television or playing with their toys. They are just not enthusiastic about going to a new school after having to leave a school they really loved.

Then there is the issue of a child who is playing up because she is feeling insecure. The psych says to me, 'Just walk her to her class everyday and that will make her feel more secure. Then give each of your children sessions daily of undivided attention.' Hello, who is watching the other three children while I'm doing this? I can't even hang clothes out on the line when the four of them are awake without having to go in and out to solve disputes. Also, the psych is not looking at what I have to do everyday and whether or not I have the time to spend walking her casually to her classroom, engaging in idle chit chat with the other mothers just so my child thinks I'm a normal mum. My mother was never able to do this for me because she worked. That is a fact of life. After all, I am usually rushing to a job, with a very fine timeline, that has been negotiated to facilitate my dropping the children off on my way.

I get what everyone is saying. I married a loser. I am a loser. My children are losers and it's all going to get better if I just become an invisible bandaid to apply to everyone's needs. But what if I don't want to disappear? What if I value my involvements in life - my work, my online community of friends, my passion for helping others? Do I no longer have any needs or rights? Is being a mother and wife about losing yourself? And what kind of mother would I be if I did that?

The funny thing is that my husband and I are well on the way to being reconciled. He at least understands this place I am in and shares my angst. We just have a few hurdles to jump logistically before we are a family living together again. When he re-enters my life, are all those people who told me how much of a loser he is and that I should dump him going to still be my friends? Is their opinion of me going to change? How am I going to live with the knowledge of what they think about him?

It's a strange time of life, this separation thing. There's a freedom you feel in the separation, after all, you can now arrange the furniture how you like it and cook what you like, but with the freedom comes the burden and the sole responsibility for your decisions. The money is tighter, the needs are greater, it's really a huge change for the whole family. It's lovely to have the support of friends, but why do they have to think they know what's best for you?

This poem adequately sums up how I feel. I appreciate those that truly care about me, that have taken the time to know me and to understand the situation. To those people I owe my heart and my thanks. But to the others, who look in and see the issues but have no praise to give for the struggle that I have lived through, just criticism, this is my message to you:

Doctor Me Not

All those who have tried to change me without knowing me

Do I know you?
Have you been here
when the tears have run ceaselessly
and solitude has threatened to consume me?

Do I know you?
Were you there for me
when I wanted to dance
but was caught in the agony of longing without fulfilment?

Do I know you?
Did you hold my hand,
when my existence so depressed me?

That I gasped just to get enough air to maintain life?

Do I know you?
Did you care enough to sit and listen,
to try not to fix me,
Accepting that I had to find my own way through?

If I know you,
you have the right to speak into my life.
If I don't know you
Then please, doctor me not!

by Hayley Solich

© 2002

Author's Comments:
"This poem was written at a time in my life when there were so many who wanted to change me to be what they wanted me to be and there were so many expectations but very few took the time to know me intimately and support me. To those I know, I am so grateful for your presence in my life."

A girlfriend is a lifeline!

Unlike a male, we do not do well at toughing it out alone, and we are not afraid to lose face if we share our feelings, our failures and our fears. We need our girlfriends to listen, to empathise and most of all, to indulge with us in our comfort activities, like going out for a coffee, shopping, or enjoying some major pampering! As much as we value our male relationships, we acknowledge that girlfriends bring something special into our lives and we give our men permission not to be everything that we require to be happy. But please, don't forbid us to have girlfriend relationships. They are a lifeline!

Think about it…

A girlfriend will listen while you just let it all hang out. She is not afraid if you cry on her. In fact, she expects you to at least once a month and doesn’t hold it against you or mock you for it!

A girlfriend is not going to try to fix you. Well she might, but first she will make all those lovely noises you like to hear, such as “mm…I know…yes…I can see that.”

A girlfriend understands that you can multi-task and it is not a sign of not caring. For example, she may be in the middle of a heart-wrenching tale when your two year old demands milk and you turn your back, go to the fridge, pour the milk, then ask the child if they want anything else. She knows that you are listening, despite your inattentiveness.

A girlfriend will drop everything if it is within her power to help you when you are in need, but there are limits to how far a male will sacrifice for a girlfriend. I mean, try getting a male friend to change your child’s sloppy diarrhoea nappy while you just take a wee kip because you are exhausted! Even the best dad baulks at that one.

Moreover, would a male friend clean your house just because you were stressed? Maybe, but would he rub your feet when you are 35 weeks pregnant and can no longer see your toes? Perhaps, however, he probably would opt out of shaving or waxing your legs and 'hairy shorts' for you, just so that you are not embarrassed when you go to hospital. These are the selfless acts of a loving girlfriend, who would go out of her way to lend support if she were able.

Men have so many positive things to bring to the table in a relationship but there is always going to be room for a girlfriend and these relationships, if taken for granted or dismissed, will be well missed.

A wise woman once gave her daughter this advice as she was getting married:

“Make sure that you don’t neglect your girlfriend relationships because in life there are no guarantees. You never know when you are going to need a girlfriend.”

Whether you are 15 or 95, married or single, a girlfriend is a lifeline you are bound to need at some time.

Tell me, if girlfriends are so important, what are you doing to cultivate your girlfriend relationships?