So many new beginnings...

When you take a drastic step, like leaving your husband, for however long, you expect that there will be a period of adjustment. However, as you are walking through that period, you don't really perceive how great the adjustment is until you take the time out to reflect. This is also true of everything that we do in life!

I recently had to do an audit of my hours that I worked for TAFE over the past nine months because there was a pay discrepancy and there in black and white was the evidence of my tumultuous past six months.

Starting the job in September, there was a consistent weekly jaunt down to the factory where I support 25 workers in their learning and development needs. Then the ill-fated separation in December occured and the past six months there are so many gaps in my attendance to work that it shocked me.

Sure, there were reasons outside of my control for my lack of attendance at site. The factory didn't need me in January, as it was their slow month and they had new staff. Then there was my car running badly in February-May, which meant I couldn't physically get to work. My children fell sick on the day I was supposed to go to work several times. With no-one to look after them, I simply had to cancel work.

Overriding all these circumstances was the heartbreaking knowledge that my credibility was somehow hanging in the balance. Where I had felt I had been very strong and coped well, I realised that I had just been going through the motions, completing whatever I could no longer evade.

I guess as a woman we all struggle with accepting those parts of our nature that are not perfect. Certainly, when life gives us feedback, it's sometimes a bitter pill to swallow. The more that I hear, not just listen to, my husband's heart, his emotions and his issues with my past performance, the clearer I am seeing a picture of me that I would rather not have known about but must respond to!

So here I am - on my own, for however long - and I can no longer blame anyone for my life, for my circumstances, for what is happening. I am responsible. So, I ask myself, what am I going to do with that newfound responsibility? Am I going to return to the diligent, reliable, strong person that I once was or am I going to cave in to the pressures and retreat into the shell that was my existance as a mother?

I know that I am of greater stuff than the retreating type.

I know that where I could have been moving in a negative direction I have chosen to move forward. I know that there is nothing I would prefer more than to achieve my dreams. So with all my many new beginnings I am making one more. The beginning of loving myself, despite my failings.

Balancing Being a Mum with Earning an Income

First rule of mothering: You come first. If you are tired, unhappy, depressed, worn out, despondent or just plain stressed, the rest of your world is going to be all over the place! Solution: Take care of number one at all costs. But how?

This is the kind of thinking that the modern mother is being encouraged to embrace as she battles to contend with her lot of breadwinner and child carer, with both occupations screaming out for her full-time attention. She leaves the home after battling with the brat pack, to get them dressed, fed, bags packed and ready for school, rushes them off, either waving them goodbye and saying a silent prayer that they make it safely to school, or pushing them out of the car at the front gate because she is now late for the oh so important job and doesn't have time to walk them to their classes, which she has been advised leavese them feeling abandoned, causing multiple issues - a whole another blog!

As a mother of four, currently going solo, I can verify that it is tremendously
stressful trying to balance occupations. Where does the mothering role end and
the working role begin? And how do I manage my life so that I get the time that
I need, whilst not neglecting my responsibilities?

Take for example my day today. It started at 7:00am, when I crawled out of bed, after going to be after midnight due to trying to squeeze a few hours of "my time" in after the kids went to bed. Incidentally, my planned 5 hours of sleep was interrupted by a child who had a bad dream, so my day was taxed before it began! I manage to get them all ready ahead of schedule, as I want to be at work on time, then make them promise to walk together all the way to school and behave, as I no longer have time to get them there by car and be at the class I teach on time.

As I drive away my heart is torn. My five year old son can be a handful and I am hopeful that he will cooperate with his older sisters and walk the short 10 minutes to school without incident. However, the mobile phone rings mid morning and it is the school principal. My son has sat down on the side of the road and refused to budge a few short metres from school. In desperation, his older sister has left him and gone for help. In the meantime, he has crossed the road unattended and then was found walking through the middle of the car park - an out of bounds zone! And to top it all off, he no longer had the lunch I packed for him in his bag!

When I got that call my heart sank, for deep down I knew that I had once again failed him. I pondered the "Why?" question, in relation to trying to earn an income when I have children that are requiring the loving care of a "present" mother. "Why was I putting myself through this heart wrenching, soul destroying process of trying to serve two masters?" "Why didn't someone somewhere understand my struggle and come to my rescue?" "How could I do everything?"

Fortunately, the Principal was having a good day and offered me an olive branch after I explained to her that I had not dropped them off because I was concerned that he would wander off, as his teacher had already complained about him not going to class when I drop him off on time, let alone having 30 minutes to himself on the school grounds without supervision. She understood my plight and agreed that the girls could walk, as they had demonstrated their reliability and enjoyed the walk, but I was to drop the boy off to the office and they would make him sit in a chair and wait for school to start, then walk him to his class. The relief I felt was massive. But the questions remain, "Why?"

As I ponder this I am torn. My employers need reliabilty, flexibiliy and
availability. I need to be a mother. Can there ever be a win:win when the odds
are so loaded? Should I just give up the desire to provide a little extra so
they can go on the excursions and have new clothes instead of the hand me downs
we've survived on for years? Perhaps I am just pushing a barrow up hill that was
never meant to go there.

I'd love to hear how other mothers balance their work, families and social lives. Please post your comments.