The Kaleidoscope Effect

When I think about my recent move to Kinross in the outer, Northern suburbs of Perth, Western Australia, it was not a location that I intentionally chose. So I was surprised at just how right the destination was for my family, and I am so grateful I had the courage to make the change. It was definitely a sea change and it wasn't until I moved that I realised just how close to the water I now was and how much of a blessing it would be to our lives.

You see, Kinross chose us. The opportunity came quite by surprise and from left of field, as anyone living Perth will verify that there is a huge housing shortage and the price of rentals has skyrocketed. So to be offered a house, at about $100 under current market value, was indeed truly a miracle. Furthermore, it was a private rental, with no inspections to endure and a very long lease opportunity.

How it came about was that I had sent out an email to let friends know I wanted to move, as I’d been living in a one bedroom granny flat at my in-laws with my husband and four children. It was a bit too cosy for my liking and after 12 months I was screaming out for some space from my children and my in-laws! Love them all, but sometimes you just need your own personal space.

A great friend of mine, sent me an email responding, that she knew about a house that was coming up for rental in Kinross and to phone and tell the owner she’d sent me. Kinross was 30 minutes from where I was currently living in the inner suburbs of Perth and a totally different area to what I was used to. I hadn't even considered looking for a rental there.

I even considered not phoning up because of the location and even after I’d been offered the house, considered not taking it.

But once again, my great friend showed me all the potential positives of the move and her encouragement gave me the courage to make the move. This was more than just a phsyical move, as I had made the decision to also leave my husband behind as we both needed to sort out some personal issues that had surfaced due to our situation.

Up until this time our life had been locked into a certain geographical area as that was where the children went to school. In fact, everything about our life had been dictated to by the school’s location and if it hadn’t been such a great school, I’m convinced we would have made a change much sooner.

So here I was, with an offer to move to a location that was way outside of my comfort zone. This opportunity was both exciting and daunting all at the same time, as my husband and I agreed to amicably separate.

The funny thing is that I had worked at Joondalup in 2005. I distinctly remember standing in the grounds of the Police Academy and saying to myself, I’d really love to work in this area and live locally. Even more amazing is that I am now working across the road from the Academy at West Coast TAFE, teaching the Police Preparation Course and I live less than 6 mins from Joondalup.

In accepting the house it mean that my life was like a kaleidoscope where you change one thing and the whole image shifts.

To my amazement, everything instantly became easier. The school was now located less than 2 mins drive and work was less than 10 mins from home. There was an evening family day care that could care for my children while I worked, which was a major benefit as I’d not been able to get childcare previously. The house was gorgeous, with wonderful landlords. And furthermore, the community we lived in is filled with children to keep my children company.

The parallel I want to draw to life is that sometimes we can be very comfortable in our lives, doing the same old same old, putting up with the same barriers to progressing and we just need an outside influence to shift our focus slightly, to paint a new picture of how our lives can change for the better.

Further, we may just need someone to help us to see the benefits of the change and to stand beside us, easing our transition period and providing the support to make the change. This is what Deanna Shand did for me.

You may be at a crossroads or quite simply stuck in a rut. Whatever your current position on the map, I encourage you to make the most of the opportunities that each day presents to you. Each day there is someone knocking on your heart's door inviting you to participate, but what are you going to do with those invitations? It may be the person you drive past that is standing on the side of the road with broken down car, or the neighbour you know is depressed and struggling with small children. These little opportunities to participate in life surround us everyday. Then there are the larger opportunities. The opportunities to make a major change that we currently feel too frightened to tackle. Sometimes it's like jumping off a bridge, you just have to commit yourself wholeheartedly to the change and see what comes.

When I spoke to the owner of that house on the Tuesday night, I said, "Yes, please" to the offer. I went up on the Thursday to see it and even before I had seen the house I'd contacted the local school and made an appointment to get my children enrolled as that was the last day that they could enroll. I totally committed myself and it all worked out for the best, in fact, better than I could ever have dreamed up for myself.

If I hadn’t made the change we’d not have the benefits of our new location—beautiful scenery, community, proximity to school and work. What opportunities are you missing out on?

The Girlfriend Club

So what is the Girlfriend Club all about?


We all know women we love. Women we have formed a connection with, are attracted to as friends and who we enjoy being with. These are our girlfriends.

It doesn’t matter what time passes between our meetings, when we get together there is that special something that has the friendship wow factor. These are the ladies that can speak honestly to us and we may sulk for a little while but we will not be deeply offended. We may have our differences of opinion, but underneath there is a deep love and respect. They are a strength in our lives and fill our emotional tanks with fuel for the future.

The Girlfriend Club is about drawing strength and giving strength, to and from our girlfriends. It is about celebrating our relationships with our girlfriends and creating new friendships with women that we are drawn to as well.

If I may share a little story of my journey, it may help you to see where I am coming from.

As a people person, I have always met and instantly formed a connection with many women over the years. Women from my different work situations, from different churches I have been involved in, from within the performing arts community, and even older women I’ve met socially that I just loved instantly.

Finding the time to “service” these relationships was difficult. With four small children under five going through a time of financial hardship, there was a stage in my life where our phone was cut off and I went through severe post-natal depression. My ability to draw strength from my most rewarding energy source was severely impaired. I had only limited contact with my girlfriends and in this time I came to realize just how precious and valuable these relationships really were to me.

Further, there were some women I’d met in my journey that I just knew we would one day put our hands to the same plough of endeavour. These women were Rani, Jill, Nola, Darielle and Deanna, the women I am working with on our committee. These are women that I really love from the heart and I am energized by their interactions in my life.

In 2006, I decided I wanted to take action about this part of my life and I started the concept of the Girlfriend Club. I organized with my husband to cook a meal for us and to take care of the children. I invited six ladies to come to my home and enjoy a special Girlfriend Club meal with me. I asked them to bring a treasure that they could share with the other ladies, as a talking point. That night I brought women from all the spheres of my world - my work, my church, my extended social network, together around the table for a meal and it was really special. This is where the Girlfriend Club idea was birthed.

Then in 2007, my best friend from school contacted me unexpectedly after 20 plus years and said, “I’m coming to Perth next week, have you got any time to spare.” I was so thrilled and she came and stayed with us for a week. Well, the instant she was in the front door I immediately was taken back to our years growing up together and I realized why she was my best friend, because the connection was still there, despite the fact that we’d had very little contact for over 20 years. This strengthened my understanding of this connection we form as girlfriends and fueled my fire for Women Can International Inc.

The vision for our events comes out of this understanding of the importance of these relationships in our lives and out of this heart connection. The Girlfriend Club is an opportunity for you to create space and time in your life for your girlfriends. Why not invite and bring with you, a table of women from your world that you really enjoy, but may not have the time to see in your normal life. The women you invite don’t have to be from the same parts of your world, as if you are anything like me, you have so many worlds that you have been in involved in. Why not gather women from all parts of your life and let them connect. You never know what a difference it may make in their lives to have someone you respect and love enter their world.

As women, we are very busy. Getting time away from children, our work, our parents and our obligations can be difficult. However, being with our girlfriends is energizing. These interactions help us to flourish and give us energy to do those things that are not as exciting or rewarding.

Also, the opportunity to meet new girlfriends is also so important. Just at this last breakfast I had the opportunity to meet so many quality women that I am having a hard time deciding whom I will try to sit next to at the next breakfast! J You just never know who you are going to meet and how your life is going to benefit from the connection. There is power in our union together, as we share our knowledge, our wisdom and our abilities.

Through our Girlfriend Club program we also want to start to build our “Little Dragon/Old Bald Eagle” (request a copy of the fable here) types of relationships. This will be our mentoring part of our Girlfriend Club program. So if you feel you are a “Little Dragon” looking for an “Old Bald Eagle” or an “Old Bald Eagle” looking for a “Little Dragon”, I would encourage you to send me an email to let me know so that I can facilitate a connection.

Become a member of Women Can International Inc today and gain access to the Girlfriend Club’s invitation only social network on Ning.com. This is where many of our mentoring partnerships will find their wings.

Is being separated an invitation for others to beat you up emotionally?

Why is it that when you separate from your partner others think it is an invitation to tell you how to live your life?

Not that I am complaining, as obviously if I'd done it all perfectly the first time I would not be separated. It's just that with four young children to care for on my own, life has suddenly become so busy fending off the critique of would-be-do-gooders who have an opinion on everything.

Take for example schooling. So we don't get to school by the sound of the bell everyday. Does that mean we are a bad family? There is a very good reason why we are late sometimes. It's called having four children and trying to herd them through a series of tasks that they would rather not be doing right then. It's not like they are watching television or playing with their toys. They are just not enthusiastic about going to a new school after having to leave a school they really loved.

Then there is the issue of a child who is playing up because she is feeling insecure. The psych says to me, 'Just walk her to her class everyday and that will make her feel more secure. Then give each of your children sessions daily of undivided attention.' Hello, who is watching the other three children while I'm doing this? I can't even hang clothes out on the line when the four of them are awake without having to go in and out to solve disputes. Also, the psych is not looking at what I have to do everyday and whether or not I have the time to spend walking her casually to her classroom, engaging in idle chit chat with the other mothers just so my child thinks I'm a normal mum. My mother was never able to do this for me because she worked. That is a fact of life. After all, I am usually rushing to a job, with a very fine timeline, that has been negotiated to facilitate my dropping the children off on my way.

I get what everyone is saying. I married a loser. I am a loser. My children are losers and it's all going to get better if I just become an invisible bandaid to apply to everyone's needs. But what if I don't want to disappear? What if I value my involvements in life - my work, my online community of friends, my passion for helping others? Do I no longer have any needs or rights? Is being a mother and wife about losing yourself? And what kind of mother would I be if I did that?

The funny thing is that my husband and I are well on the way to being reconciled. He at least understands this place I am in and shares my angst. We just have a few hurdles to jump logistically before we are a family living together again. When he re-enters my life, are all those people who told me how much of a loser he is and that I should dump him going to still be my friends? Is their opinion of me going to change? How am I going to live with the knowledge of what they think about him?

It's a strange time of life, this separation thing. There's a freedom you feel in the separation, after all, you can now arrange the furniture how you like it and cook what you like, but with the freedom comes the burden and the sole responsibility for your decisions. The money is tighter, the needs are greater, it's really a huge change for the whole family. It's lovely to have the support of friends, but why do they have to think they know what's best for you?

This poem adequately sums up how I feel. I appreciate those that truly care about me, that have taken the time to know me and to understand the situation. To those people I owe my heart and my thanks. But to the others, who look in and see the issues but have no praise to give for the struggle that I have lived through, just criticism, this is my message to you:

Doctor Me Not

All those who have tried to change me without knowing me

Do I know you?
Have you been here
when the tears have run ceaselessly
and solitude has threatened to consume me?

Do I know you?
Were you there for me
when I wanted to dance
but was caught in the agony of longing without fulfilment?

Do I know you?
Did you hold my hand,
when my existence so depressed me?

That I gasped just to get enough air to maintain life?

Do I know you?
Did you care enough to sit and listen,
to try not to fix me,
Accepting that I had to find my own way through?

If I know you,
you have the right to speak into my life.
If I don't know you
Then please, doctor me not!

by Hayley Solich

© 2002

Author's Comments:
"This poem was written at a time in my life when there were so many who wanted to change me to be what they wanted me to be and there were so many expectations but very few took the time to know me intimately and support me. To those I know, I am so grateful for your presence in my life."

What does a girl do on a Sunday night when the kids are in bed?

She cleans...she goes online...she hangs out washing...she wishes she was having a romantic date with her husband (she sighs)...she plans for the week...she watches "So You Think You Can Dance" and day dreams about when she was a dancer...she washes the dishes...she helps her child with their writing skills...she eventually goes to bed. All in a nights work! And on her way to bed, she peels off her size 18 clothes and looks in the mirror and realises that she is not the woman she once was...