Why is it that when you separate from your partner others think it is an invitation to tell you how to live your life?
Not that I am complaining, as obviously if I'd done it all perfectly the first time I would not be separated. It's just that with four young children to care for on my own, life has suddenly become so busy fending off the critique of would-be-do-gooders who have an opinion on everything.
Take for example schooling. So we don't get to school by the sound of the bell everyday. Does that mean we are a bad family? There is a very good reason why we are late sometimes. It's called having four children and trying to herd them through a series of tasks that they would rather not be doing right then. It's not like they are watching television or playing with their toys. They are just not enthusiastic about going to a new school after having to leave a school they really loved.
Then there is the issue of a child who is playing up because she is feeling insecure. The psych says to me, 'Just walk her to her class everyday and that will make her feel more secure. Then give each of your children sessions daily of undivided attention.' Hello, who is watching the other three children while I'm doing this? I can't even hang clothes out on the line when the four of them are awake without having to go in and out to solve disputes. Also, the psych is not looking at what I have to do everyday and whether or not I have the time to spend walking her casually to her classroom, engaging in idle chit chat with the other mothers just so my child thinks I'm a normal mum. My mother was never able to do this for me because she worked. That is a fact of life. After all, I am usually rushing to a job, with a very fine timeline, that has been negotiated to facilitate my dropping the children off on my way.
I get what everyone is saying. I married a loser. I am a loser. My children are losers and it's all going to get better if I just become an invisible bandaid to apply to everyone's needs. But what if I don't want to disappear? What if I value my involvements in life - my work, my online community of friends, my passion for helping others? Do I no longer have any needs or rights? Is being a mother and wife about losing yourself? And what kind of mother would I be if I did that?
The funny thing is that my husband and I are well on the way to being reconciled. He at least understands this place I am in and shares my angst. We just have a few hurdles to jump logistically before we are a family living together again. When he re-enters my life, are all those people who told me how much of a loser he is and that I should dump him going to still be my friends? Is their opinion of me going to change? How am I going to live with the knowledge of what they think about him?
It's a strange time of life, this separation thing. There's a freedom you feel in the separation, after all, you can now arrange the furniture how you like it and cook what you like, but with the freedom comes the burden and the sole responsibility for your decisions. The money is tighter, the needs are greater, it's really a huge change for the whole family. It's lovely to have the support of friends, but why do they have to think they know what's best for you?
This poem adequately sums up how I feel. I appreciate those that truly care about me, that have taken the time to know me and to understand the situation. To those people I owe my heart and my thanks. But to the others, who look in and see the issues but have no praise to give for the struggle that I have lived through, just criticism, this is my message to you:
Doctor Me Not
All those who have tried to change me without knowing me
Do I know you?
Have you been here
when the tears have run ceaselessly
and solitude has threatened to consume me?
Do I know you?
Were you there for me
when I wanted to dance
but was caught in the agony of longing without fulfilment?
Do I know you?
Did you hold my hand,
when my existence so depressed me?That I gasped just to get enough air to maintain life?
Do I know you?
Did you care enough to sit and listen,
to try not to fix me,
Accepting that I had to find my own way through?
If I know you,
you have the right to speak into my life.
If I don't know you
Then please, doctor me not!
by Hayley Solich© 2002
Author's Comments:
"This poem was written at a time in my life when there were so many who wanted to change me to be what they wanted me to be and there were so many expectations but very few took the time to know me intimately and support me. To those I know, I am so grateful for your presence in my life."
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