When you take a drastic step, like leaving your husband, for however long, you expect that there will be a period of adjustment. However, as you are walking through that period, you don't really perceive how great the adjustment is until you take the time out to reflect. This is also true of everything that we do in life!
I recently had to do an audit of my hours that I worked for TAFE over the past nine months because there was a pay discrepancy and there in black and white was the evidence of my tumultuous past six months.
Starting the job in September, there was a consistent weekly jaunt down to the factory where I support 25 workers in their learning and development needs. Then the ill-fated separation in December occured and the past six months there are so many gaps in my attendance to work that it shocked me.
Sure, there were reasons outside of my control for my lack of attendance at site. The factory didn't need me in January, as it was their slow month and they had new staff. Then there was my car running badly in February-May, which meant I couldn't physically get to work. My children fell sick on the day I was supposed to go to work several times. With no-one to look after them, I simply had to cancel work.
Overriding all these circumstances was the heartbreaking knowledge that my credibility was somehow hanging in the balance. Where I had felt I had been very strong and coped well, I realised that I had just been going through the motions, completing whatever I could no longer evade.
I guess as a woman we all struggle with accepting those parts of our nature that are not perfect. Certainly, when life gives us feedback, it's sometimes a bitter pill to swallow. The more that I hear, not just listen to, my husband's heart, his emotions and his issues with my past performance, the clearer I am seeing a picture of me that I would rather not have known about but must respond to!
So here I am - on my own, for however long - and I can no longer blame anyone for my life, for my circumstances, for what is happening. I am responsible. So, I ask myself, what am I going to do with that newfound responsibility? Am I going to return to the diligent, reliable, strong person that I once was or am I going to cave in to the pressures and retreat into the shell that was my existance as a mother?
I know that I am of greater stuff than the retreating type.
I know that where I could have been moving in a negative direction I have chosen to move forward. I know that there is nothing I would prefer more than to achieve my dreams. So with all my many new beginnings I am making one more. The beginning of loving myself, despite my failings.
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