Processing...the inner workings of the heart.

When you go through something significant and painful, I find it is the most extraordinary time where there is so much going on below the surface.

For example, if you suffer an injury. The injury may be healed, but the memory of the injury just seems to linger.

So I guess it is no wonder that almost a week on I am still "sore" about what happened last weekend when I learned my painful life lesson.

Is it that I am in "victim" mode, looking for someone to blame for my bad choices? Or is it that I am genuinely trying to comprehend the "why" about what I did. Or could it simply be that this one small event has triggered a heap of unresolved issues that are suddenly surfacing???

Part of me wants to believe that I am relatively in touch with my own emotions and do not need for work on the inner being but another part is saying that all the pain from the years of abuse as a child, the abandonment as a young woman and the ongoing dramas as a mother and wife simply need to find room for expression to be released from my life.

I have been reflecting on the time I spent passing through the "valley of the shadow death", that deep dark place of despair and depression following my son's birth in 2002. Was I just tired and overwhelmed, retreating into a space that protected me or did I have a chemical imbalance due to multiple births in a short space of time? How did I end up there? What could I have done better?

Once again, part of me wants to believe that the children were to blame but another part of me sees it as an accumulative effect in my life and that I chose an "out", the most accessible "out". For it was easier to blame a condition, than to accept the reality of my choices.

So, here I am cogitating...vascillating...contemplating. Which way will I jump? Self-condemnation or self-acceptance. Time will tell.