Is your personality your contraceptive?

I once heard a male say to a girlfriend of mine who was very beautiful but also very catty:

“You don't have to worry, your personality is your contraceptive!”

We all laughed because we were young and stupid. Reflecting back, my thoughts are drawn to the struggle this young woman had. She was so attractive on the outside, yet unattractive on the inside. What was her world like? Did she know how unattractive her attitude was? Was it a defense against a world that overwhelmed her with its attention? Would she have been able to change if she wanted to? When I think about her family, I can see no reason why she was the way she was, as they were kind, loving people. Did she daily choose her attitude or did she feel a victim of her circumstances?

This leads me to the question,"Is there such a thing as 'improving your personality'"? Are you simply born the way you are and you journey through life without changing? You know, if you're young and rebellious, you're always going to be rebellious, right? Loud and obnoxious young person, loud and obnoxious adult!

History tells me that yes, we are born with a certain plethora of natural giftings and personality styles, but a lot of who we are is environmentally and experientially learned. There is no reason why someone with a loud voice can’t learn to taper the volume and tone of their voice with practice. If we are capable of learning from our environment and from trial and error, I can see no reason why you can’t improve yourself, no matter how great your deficiencies. The key here is that life has to give us feedback about our behaviour for us to desire change.

I know for me that I improved myself from the moment that I learned to reflect upon the feedback that the world was giving me about myself. I deliberately said reflect here, because not all feedback is truth. As you invite feedback from people you trust, and you sift this feedback, you start to see your blind spots. The day that you own these lumps in your life, is the day that you start to desire to change them.

I vividly remember turning 35 and having a paradigm shift. I had a journal in front of me and I wrote these words…

“I will no longer apologise for being me. I accept myself, worts, bumps, wrinkles, failures, strengths and disappointments. I will never apologise again for existing, only for hurting others by bad decisions.”

These words written down were somehow very liberating. I’d spent all of my life saying sorry to everyone. I would miss the ball at tennis and I’d say sorry to the person who had just scored a point. Why? They weren’t sorry that I missed the ball! If I showed any inadequacy at all I would apologise. I would turn myself inside out to win people's approval, always putting my needs and those I cared most about second to the person I wanted to impress. Somewhere along the way I realised that others weren’t doing that. That others would be themselves, regardless of how their actions were interpreted and got away with it. This is the person that I wanted to be; the confident person that could make a decision and take responsibility for it.

I have met scores of women in my lifetime who are living in the shadow of their partners, their children, their siblings, their parents, apologising for their existence. My message for you girls is that you have value. It’s time to own yourself, worts and all, and to stop apologising for being. You have the right to try, even if you don’t always do things perfectly.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject, so please comment.

Feel free to join my network, Women Can International, at www.womencaninternational.ning.com or visit my website, www.upfrontenterprises.com.