Burnt offerings anyone?

Have you ever put your heart and soul into a culinary disaster?

I have, too many times to be funny. I am actually a reasonable cook, with lots of burps and patting of rounded tummies after I prepare a feast for family and friends, but I have actually made some huge blunders in the kitchen.

Take for example meals I have prepared in desperation. You know the kind, when the cupboard is nearly bare and all you have left is a tin of corn, some tuna, pasta and asparagus soup. Well, it was worth a try! The combination may have been luxurious to a person who is dying from malnutrition, but to my family of six all I got was the look that says, "You've got to be joking mum!"

Then there are my burnt offerings. Ever walked away from the stove and forgotten about something? Well, there have also been too many of these to remember. My worst habit is putting something on, then thinking of 100 other things I would rather be doing and I forget about it. I think garlic bread would have to be my largest casualty. I've lost count of the number of black bottomed garlic breads I've placed in the basket and brought to the table with an over bright smile and declaration of "The garlic bread's ready!", only to be met by my eagle-eyed child's comment of, "Mum, what is the black bits?" to which I simply respond, "Just eat it. It tastes great!" How many of us have said that about our disasters, silently hoping someone will humour our hard efforts and eat it just to please us?

I'll never forget burning the potatoes when I was pregnant with my third child. I'll say no more about being pregnant because we all know this is prime time for burnt offerings as our brains go to mush! Anyway, this particular night I was cooking potatoes and we were particularly poor as I recall. Well, I burnt the potatoes. Not severely, just enough for them to have that burnt offering smell. Just when I needed his support, my husband smelt the smokey flavour that I'd tried to disguise with lots of butter, milk, salt and pepper. In an instant I knew that I had lost the battle, as he turned to me and said, "I'm not hungry" and quickly walked off. I turned to the two little faces looking up at me and quickly they followed suit. If Daddy could boycott the burnt offerings, then so could they!

My worst burnt offering was when I made a pot of chicken soup for visitors. There was my girlfriend and I and our eleven children. I was warming the soup and forgot about it. Chicken does not burn well, let me tell you. It was stuck to the bottom of the pot and the flavour was particularly bad! But you know, my girlfriend, myself and her children sat down and ate our soup. My children took one look and decided they would rather be anywhere on earth than sitting at that table to eat my soup. Suffice to say, it was a long time before I could get them to eat chicken soup again!

Well, I have had more successes in the kitchen than I have had failures, but you know, I tend to remember the failures more vividly. It's a strange thing about life. We tend to dwell on the negatives and forget the many wonderful things that have happened to us. It bears thinking about.

Leave your comments about your "burnt offerings"!

The baby just dropped out???

I was astounded when I saw a video on MSN today, describing how a young woman was in the bath, feeling a little uncomfortable, then stood up and the baby just fell out.

Wow, that must have been freaky. I'm completely envious. I've had four children by natural child birth and I had to do hard labour (literally) to get each of those suckers out. I mean how lucky can you get?

The report went on to say that she is in more pain now than when she was in labour, and incidentally, there were two babies in there, with the second born 55 mins later. Well, she might think she's in pain, but she doesn't really know what pain is until those suckers grow into mini adults! Then she'll really know pain. The day they get a will of their own and a voice to match, that's when the real pain begins.

Back to child birth, I vividly recall having my son. I'd been in labour on and off for two days. He was born on Boxing Day - I thought he'd be a Christmas baby for sure, but no, he was born at approximately 6am Boxing Day.

I remember being in labour and the pain being quite controllable. With each contraction I just would go to that happy place where the pain was a long way away. Seriously, it worked until the doctors decided to get involved. They were convinced I was having a monster! You know a 10-pounder or bigger. So, when I was only 5cm dialated they decided to give me a hand via a drip.

Well, I went from being the 'silent achiever', that's what the nurses had nicknamed me because of calm manner in which I was handling the pain etc, to being a holy screamer! The pain was so intense. After one hour I was panicking and begging the doctor to get the baby out, and I didn't care how he did it. He checked me again and I was not that much further along, so he decided to give nature a little helping hand and pushed my cervix open with his fingers. I screamed, my husband nearly punched him and then a very short while later, out popped my beautiful red head son.

The sad thing was that he had to spend the first 12 hours in a humidicrib because of his rude rush into the world. The whole birth thing caused a lot of problems for me, as I truly believe the shock of the birth was a major factor in my getting post natal depression. My son was my fourth child and I'd had them all naturally with minimal painkillers, so I was very experienced at this child birthing business. It was no wonder I was so shocked by this labour.

Anyway, my best wishes are with this young lady who now has her hands completely full with twins, premi-twins, that are going to have a big fight on their hands to make it through the next 8 weeks. My girlfriend had a premi son and it's been a huge battle for them. He's making progress - he's now two - but it has been a long journey, with many hospital visits, therapists and specialists. But he's a bright little soul and has so much love and care, if love alone can make him grow he will be the healthiest young man alive!

Got any unusual birthing stories to share? Why not comment now.

Declined! No way, I'm sure there's enough money in there!

Have you ever been shopping, with four children in tow, a feat in itself, filled two trolleys full of groceries, arrived at the checkout, endured the frustration of being served by a new staff member, these days probably in their late 60's and technology challenged, and after enduring the 30 min swiping and bagging process, swiped your card and the word every woman fears pops up on the screen, "Declined"?

As a mother of four, who made the unwise decision to have a joint account with my husband for 11 years prior to our separation, many times mine has been the embarrassment of having to come up with a good excuse for a checkout chick who has heard them all before. In my opinion, joint account should read, "Double Trouble", as how can anyone know how much money is in an account that can be accessed by two cards? I guess that may be a story about my relationship with my husband, so we'll quickly not go there!



I was out last night at my girlfriends for a dip in the pool, a meal and a good belly laugh!

I was telling the girls about this blog and my idea to write about the embarrassing situations us women find ourselves in. When I asked them if they had ever had the embarrassment of standing at a checkout, after filling a trolley or two with groceries, only to swipe and have your card declined, all hands shot up around the table and people started to giggle as the memories floated back.

Taking the plunge, I asked what excuses they used. Here are some of the responses.

One lady reported she nonchalantly said to the checkout chick,

"Whose card is that?"

Which she went on to say,

"Damn, there's no such thing as good customer service anymore. Just wait til I find that young lady that served me..."

At this point she grabs the card and marches off in the direction of other shops, all the time knowing full well it was her overspending on the way to the supermarket that had gotten her into hot water!

Another said,

"Can we try for a smaller amount?"

After six smaller amounts, she realised that perhaps her hubby had got there first and red-faced, as the queue was now quite long and people were getting antsy, she smiled at the cashier and said,

"Sorry. I guess I'll have to come back another time"

, leaving her two trolley loads of swiped and bagged goods behind and making a mental note to kill her husband when she caught up with him.

I think the most classic line I heard was,

"Don't you know who I am?"

Although a pretty blonde, she certainly was not Paris Hilton, so I guess they were not going to let her off for wanting to take the goods away without having to pay! Working in the entertainment industry, she had her fair share of divas, so why not emulate them?

Another interesting bent was the line,

"I'm sorry. It's an overseas bank account. Do you mind if I use your phone to call them to see what's happening?"

This was met with a roar of laughter around the table. Can't you just picture the poor 15 year old pimply faced checkout chick or as may be the case these days, checkout rooster's face, when this request comes from their customer? I picture the wheels turning upstairs and the eyes glazing over as the fob off falls outside the norm of,

"Oops, sorry" and "Try it again, please."

On the issue of the classic line,

"Try it again, please"

one lady says it with the tone of "You must be incompetent because the error is definitely on your part. Swipe the damn thing properly!" I guess her thought is attack is the best form of defense!

Speaking of checkout roosters, a young male sitting at the table who works in retail became the focus of my attentions as I quizzed him about what lines people usually use on him when this happens. He told me how audacious people can be. Some customers have the audacity to ask him if they could use his computer to transfer some cash across. Can you imagine a customer asking,

"Mind if I go online?"

When we asked if he lets them, he said, "Sure, why not?"

The perfect get out of jail quick card for me is,

"There must be a problem at the bank. Can you hold the goods and I'll be back for them later?"

This is definitely a time wasting pacifier on my part, as if I don't have the money in the card in the morning, there is no way it's going to be there by the afternoon, unless of course there is a magical mix up at the bank. No, Hayley, you're living in fairy land if you think that will happen! Unfortunately, I do feel rather guilty for the poor girl who lugged my two trolley loads of goods out the back, carefully sorting the frozen goods from the standard items the week after Christmas. In this case, I'd overspent on Christmas and purchased the kids back to school equipment and clothing a fortnight early in the name of being more organised this year, my New Year's resolution! I guess I was just hopeful that some money would mysteriously appear in my account...

I think the most embarrassing situation where I have had my card declined was after filling my car with fuel. There was a queue out the door of people wanting to pay for their fuel. I made the journey from the back of the queue to the front, only to have my card declined. The poor, stressed out console operator looked at me with a chilling glare, as I said,

"My husband must have got to the account first. Can I pay later today?"

Taking a deep breath, they get down the black book where they keep people's I.O.U's and laboriously fill in your details. It's not so bad having to fill in the form, but it's the queue of waiting people behind and the cars lined up behind your car at the bowser that is the most embarrassing.

How observant are children? You know that your training has paid off when you are standing at the checkout, you have four hungry and thirsty children with you and they stand with their iceblocks and drinks waiting for the words we all long to read on the terminal, "Approved". How many times have I told them all, "Don't open anything until it's been paid for!" I will never forget the look of anxiety on my eldest daughter's face, as she held her iceblock, desperate to open it and eat, but unsure if the card would stand up to the bill. It made me realise how easily our children are shaped by what they see.

Let me know your embarrassing "Declined" experiences. Leave a comment.

How to become the superwoman of your chosen profession.

Photo courtesy of Jyn Meyer, http://jynmeyer.com/

Someone recently asked me how you can become the superwoman of your chosen profession?

As a superwoman in the making, or so I would like to think when I'm out there consulting in the business world, I thought I'd let them share in my powerful career strategies, as they seemed to be working for me.

Career Strategy 1: You are what you believe.
If you want to succeed, make sure what you believe matches the destination you are seeking. In my experience, a woman has to work harder and smarter to make the same inroads as a man in the work place, so get over it and start focusing your attention on the prize! Like an actor on a stage, you have to own your space. If you believe the character you are portraying, others will too. The more passionate you are about your goals, the more others will become the bridge to you reaching them.

Career Strategy 2: Plan ahead.
Like anything in life, if you plan, you are more likely to reach your target.

Dr Stephen Covey, in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective
People states, "Begin with the end in Mind"

Kind of like getting into your car and taking out the road map and working out the quickest route to your destination. It may mean putting the idea of children on hold or going back to college to learn new skills. If you take the time to plan, at least you will be able to see how achievable your dream is. Then once you have your plan in place, it is time to get started and to keep track of how you are going, through regular reviews.

Career Strategy 3: Place yourself in the company of those who will help you succeed.
It was no accident that Richard Branson, from the Virgin empire, became rich. He became the master of networking and association. If you read his biography, he proves how effective name-dropping and association with successful people can be in promoting yourself and your products. If you aspire to be a leader, then get amongst the leaders. If you aspire to be a brilliant scientist, then give yourself the best opportunity by aligning yourself with people who are on the cutting edge. Join a professional group or association. Then use all your charm to let people know you are in the market and adopt a 50:50 giving mentality.

Career Strategy 4: Work smarter not harder
Gifted with so much when it comes to being resourceful and creative, women are able to bring all of their mothering instincts to the workplace. Adopt professional standards when it comes to customer service, but temper them with your woman's intuition. If there are changes that you see could or should be made to streamline processes, let the appropriate person know and offer to implement them. A positive contributor to a team is always in hot demand.

Career Strategy 5: Watch Your Words
An unwise woman squanders opportunities by saying inappropriate things. If you can bridle your tongue, when you do speak your words will have weight.

Career Strategy 6: Always Follow Through
Deliver on what you promise. If you earn a reputation for getting it done, chances are your door will be the first knocked on when an opportunity arises.

Career Strategy 7: Keep Your Life in Balance
You may want to be a superwoman but you are not super human! Unlike a Barbie doll that has a lifetime guarantee, women can wear out, so it is important to establish some boundaries in your life and decide what they are going to be ahead of things. This is doubly important if you are working and raising a family as children can really suffer when their mothers are more devoted to their careers. As a child who grew up with a full-time working mother, I can honestly say that time was the one thing she was never able to give me and it has marked my life.

I firmly believe you can accomplish things you never thought were possible once
you put your mind to it.

There may be some obstacles to overcome along the way, unfortunately, that is life. How boring would it be if you never had to overcome anything? You'd never grow because it is adversity that makes us strong. Think about an exercise program. What builds your muscles? Resistance. Life builds are resilience and our muscles if we don't give up because we think it's all too hard. Dust off your superwoman outfit, because if you implement my suggestions, you are now dressed and ready for action.

Is there such a thing as a perfect woman?

What does the perfect woman look like?

The media will give you one set of rules, your partner or parents another, but what does the perfect woman look like? What are her values, her morals, her goals, her achievements?

I think that you don't have to be a rocket scientist to realise that none of us match up to the messages we are receiving from voices outside of our own heads, so why try?

Why not do something radical and be your own woman and own the woman you are, completely?

What does that mean? It means doing a little exploring to see what is within you, to better understand yourself. It means doing a little exploring to see what the opportunities there are that surround you every day. And finally, it means taking full responsibility for every area of your life. I mean, do you really have to look like Marilyn Monroe, have the political clout of Hillary Clinton and the empire building nous of Oprah to be acceptable?

In Proverbs 31 of the bible, there is a section that praises the virtuous woman and extols her virtues. It's worth a read, as it is a challenge on all fronts. Firstly, let me say it ends by saying, "Many women have done wonderful things, but you've outclassed them all!" (Message Bible) This kind of lets us all of the hook a bit because it is saying that this woman was not your average woman. She excelled at everything! Are we required to marry up to her standards on all fronts? I don't believe so.

But what it does give us is some key areas that we can exam against our own lives and see if these are areas we would like to improve or develop. Such things as, focus on family, exercise, wealth building activities, diet, being productive with our hands, the level of idleness or level of activity in our lives, our ability to build trust in our relationships, our generosity, our servanthood, our standing in the community, our level of organisation, our attitude to life and work, our homemaking and other skills, our words, and finally, our ability to supervise and influence others.

I believe that every woman has the potential to be perfect - perfectly her. If you are being perfectly you, owning all that you are, making the most of all that you can be, that is all that life can really ask of you.

You may not realise it, but you can be quite influential without even knowing it. To give you an example, when I was in Year 11 at school, the uniform was pants (blue or black slacks, no jeans) and a white shirt. Previously, many years prior, there used to be a box pleat tunic, with a blazer, tights, white shirt and tie. I decided that unlike everyone else, who was happy being comfortable and practical, I was going to revert to the old school uniform, which was really impractical and not really all that comfortable. Don't ask me why, I just thought it would be fun. So I went to the local Op Shop and purchased all the bits I needed. I took a deep breath on Monday morning, donned the uniform and went to school. Some people looked at me with their mouths opened and eyebrows raised, but within a month the majority of the upper school was wearing the old box pleat uniforms. This showed me that it doesn't take much to be a person of influence if you are willing to stand out in a crowd!

I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on the question, "Is there such a thing as a perfect woman?" And ask yourself the question, "If not, what's holding me back from enjoying who I am?" and "What could I be doing to make my mark in the world, if I had the confidence to accept all of me?"

Post your thoughts.

A girlfriend is a lifeline!

Unlike a male, we do not do well at toughing it out alone, and we are not afraid to lose face if we share our feelings, our failures and our fears. We need our girlfriends to listen, to empathise and most of all, to indulge with us in our comfort activities, like going out for a coffee, shopping, or enjoying some major pampering! As much as we value our male relationships, we acknowledge that girlfriends bring something special into our lives and we give our men permission not to be everything that we require to be happy. But please, don't forbid us to have girlfriend relationships. They are a lifeline!

Think about it…

A girlfriend will listen while you just let it all hang out. She is not afraid if you cry on her. In fact, she expects you to at least once a month and doesn’t hold it against you or mock you for it!

A girlfriend is not going to try to fix you. Well she might, but first she will make all those lovely noises you like to hear, such as “mm…I know…yes…I can see that.”

A girlfriend understands that you can multi-task and it is not a sign of not caring. For example, she may be in the middle of a heart-wrenching tale when your two year old demands milk and you turn your back, go to the fridge, pour the milk, then ask the child if they want anything else. She knows that you are listening, despite your inattentiveness.

A girlfriend will drop everything if it is within her power to help you when you are in need, but there are limits to how far a male will sacrifice for a girlfriend. I mean, try getting a male friend to change your child’s sloppy diarrhoea nappy while you just take a wee kip because you are exhausted! Even the best dad baulks at that one.

Moreover, would a male friend clean your house just because you were stressed? Maybe, but would he rub your feet when you are 35 weeks pregnant and can no longer see your toes? Perhaps, however, he probably would opt out of shaving or waxing your legs and 'hairy shorts' for you, just so that you are not embarrassed when you go to hospital. These are the selfless acts of a loving girlfriend, who would go out of her way to lend support if she were able.

Men have so many positive things to bring to the table in a relationship but there is always going to be room for a girlfriend and these relationships, if taken for granted or dismissed, will be well missed.

A wise woman once gave her daughter this advice as she was getting married:

“Make sure that you don’t neglect your girlfriend relationships because in life there are no guarantees. You never know when you are going to need a girlfriend.”

Whether you are 15 or 95, married or single, a girlfriend is a lifeline you are bound to need at some time.

Tell me, if girlfriends are so important, what are you doing to cultivate your girlfriend relationships?

Is your personality your contraceptive?

I once heard a male say to a girlfriend of mine who was very beautiful but also very catty:

“You don't have to worry, your personality is your contraceptive!”

We all laughed because we were young and stupid. Reflecting back, my thoughts are drawn to the struggle this young woman had. She was so attractive on the outside, yet unattractive on the inside. What was her world like? Did she know how unattractive her attitude was? Was it a defense against a world that overwhelmed her with its attention? Would she have been able to change if she wanted to? When I think about her family, I can see no reason why she was the way she was, as they were kind, loving people. Did she daily choose her attitude or did she feel a victim of her circumstances?

This leads me to the question,"Is there such a thing as 'improving your personality'"? Are you simply born the way you are and you journey through life without changing? You know, if you're young and rebellious, you're always going to be rebellious, right? Loud and obnoxious young person, loud and obnoxious adult!

History tells me that yes, we are born with a certain plethora of natural giftings and personality styles, but a lot of who we are is environmentally and experientially learned. There is no reason why someone with a loud voice can’t learn to taper the volume and tone of their voice with practice. If we are capable of learning from our environment and from trial and error, I can see no reason why you can’t improve yourself, no matter how great your deficiencies. The key here is that life has to give us feedback about our behaviour for us to desire change.

I know for me that I improved myself from the moment that I learned to reflect upon the feedback that the world was giving me about myself. I deliberately said reflect here, because not all feedback is truth. As you invite feedback from people you trust, and you sift this feedback, you start to see your blind spots. The day that you own these lumps in your life, is the day that you start to desire to change them.

I vividly remember turning 35 and having a paradigm shift. I had a journal in front of me and I wrote these words…

“I will no longer apologise for being me. I accept myself, worts, bumps, wrinkles, failures, strengths and disappointments. I will never apologise again for existing, only for hurting others by bad decisions.”

These words written down were somehow very liberating. I’d spent all of my life saying sorry to everyone. I would miss the ball at tennis and I’d say sorry to the person who had just scored a point. Why? They weren’t sorry that I missed the ball! If I showed any inadequacy at all I would apologise. I would turn myself inside out to win people's approval, always putting my needs and those I cared most about second to the person I wanted to impress. Somewhere along the way I realised that others weren’t doing that. That others would be themselves, regardless of how their actions were interpreted and got away with it. This is the person that I wanted to be; the confident person that could make a decision and take responsibility for it.

I have met scores of women in my lifetime who are living in the shadow of their partners, their children, their siblings, their parents, apologising for their existence. My message for you girls is that you have value. It’s time to own yourself, worts and all, and to stop apologising for being. You have the right to try, even if you don’t always do things perfectly.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject, so please comment.

Feel free to join my network, Women Can International, at www.womencaninternational.ning.com or visit my website, www.upfrontenterprises.com.

What is it about breasts?

Photo by Jyn Meyer, http://www.jynmeyer.com

You might expect breasts to be the focus of a men’s blog, but why should men have all the fun?

The truth is, if you're a girl they are the bane of your existence because they are either too big or too small or just plain too something! So let's explore the upper regions a little together...

What is it with breasts?

When you are young, they are small and pert and you wished they were overflowing your bras so everyone would sit up and take notice. Then when you are older, you wished you could get them to fit into your bras, especially when you are breastfeeding. Finally, when you have been through a change of life, ensuring they have no practical function anymore and they are sagging to your waist, you daily wish them away. Yet, if someone were to suggest they come off due to disease, you would be devastated.

And what is it about nipples?

You’d think that God could have designed them a bit better, as He knew that you’d have to use them to feed babies? Why does it hurt so much and why are they faulty? You know, leakage! It never ceases to amaze me how one cry from your baby and whamo, the water works are flowing! It's a neat trick and if some plumber could work out the system, they'd really be in business. Voice activated taps! Hey and while we're on the subject of nipples, why do they get so sore when they rub against stuff? If you've ever had mastitis or a cracked nipple you'll know what I mean when I say sore. They say cabbage leaves work, but boy do they look funny!

On the subject of soreness, what is it with sore breasts?

Isn’t it enough that you have to put up with the inconvenience of menstrual cycles without the pain of hormonally charged breasts? One bump and you know you’re alive. How many of us have been to the doctor to get a lump checked only to find out it was just hormonal tenderness? There you are, breasts exposed, so the doctor can have a free peep show (oh, not free, that’s right, you’re paying!) and for no real outcome! Hundreds of dollars later after they’ve sent you for an ultrasound to be on the safe side, you are the one out of pocket and worrying about nothing.

And what is it with the names for breasts?

Whoever came up with the phrase knockers? Obviously it’s a visual image. After all, ‘knockers’ accurately describes the uninhibited movement of breasts unfettered. Truly, how many ladies can run unaided, without experiencing a certain level of discomfort from the bounce factor? And, what about the name boobs? Where the hell did they come up with that name? Can’t think of a single reason why boobs should be chosen as a name for breasts? Help me out here. Then there are tits. These are the ones contained by the “over shoulder boulder holder”. Then there are apples, balcony, balloons, bangers, bazongas, basooms, been bags, big brown eyes, bon-bons, boobies, bottles, bullets, bumpers…and that’s just the A’s and B’s from an online names directory!

I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty attached to my breasts (pardon the pun). I think if I had to lose them, not by choice, I’d struggle with it. You only have to meet someone who has breast cancer to rethink your moaning about your breasts.

Then there are the uses for breasts…

Table top, pillow, resting place, hiding place, prop, road block (ever tried asking a woman with large breasts to turn sideways so you can pass her…it can make no difference, believe me!), bed for the weary toddler or baby and the most comfortable, secure place to rest your head. There’s no place to rest quite like on the ample breast of a mother figure.

And hey, what is it with men and breasts?

Doesn't matter how good looking you are, if your knockers are on show you are going to get some attention! No wonder so many women are spending a fortune for the privilege of obtaining the oh so fake looking breasts that don't need a push up bra. A friend and I were laughing about breasts and she suggested that it would be good if they came with a switch where you could inflate them to feed babies, then deflate them for the rest of your life. I laughingly commented, if they come with an inflatable switch, men would be in paradise, having found a new toy! Uh oh, now some of you will be blushing! Time to move on...

Big or small, firm or saggy, with inverted or regular nipples, whatever your breasts are like, they are yours and I say, wear them with pride!

Share your breast stories. Leave a comment.